The rest of Today

So, had to go to chester earlier to do errands, and decided while I was there to try to go see my grandmother. This is My Mom's Mom, my only living biological grandparent, who gave Mom over to her grandparents to be raised and never had much to do w/ her. When my Aunt Wanda died, she asked that my Mom and Jackie mend their problems. We even went to christmas dinner at her house one year. But that was it, and I felt like going up to her and saying, "Hi, I'm your granddaughter. I don't know why you didn't want anything to do with us, with me, but here I am asking, and if you want to have a relationship, here's your chance. I'll still be around later if you decide then, but I needed to try for my own concious so that I know I made an effort." The trouble is, I know she lived next door to where aunt Wanda, (who died when I was 6) lived, but I didn't know the name of the road. I thought I knew where it was, but I couldn't find it. Drove around for almost an hour, couldn't find the road or her house. I don't know her husbands last name (first I think is Otis or Amos) to look it up in the phone book, and the only other person who knows is my Mom and I'm Not going to upset her with asking that. So I cried, because what kind of retard doesn't even know her own grandmothers last name or where she lives? I know it's not my fault, but that's how I felt.

After that, I drove out to the cemetary, to where my Daddy is buried. Now, my dad wasn't the best man, but he was the only father I got, and I really miss having a dad. When he died, I was 10, he'd been sick or drunk or both all my life, he was 60 when I was born, turned 61 five days later. So I never had much of a relationship with him. Still, he was the only father I got, and I miss having a dad. I talked to him for a bit, sat next to his grave and cried, let him know what all's going on in our lives. I picked some of the clover blossoms, least I guess that's what they are, and wove a bracelet from them and the stems. Just silly little thing I didn't realize I was doing. I don't know if anyone really caught him up on everything that's happened since he died. I mean, it's stupid, I know he knows if there's anyway of his knowing, but telling, I dunno, it just felt like the thing to do. I guess every girl wants a daddy who loves her and is proud of her, and I keep asking myself, if he was alive, would he be proud, would he even care? Or would he just still be a drunken bitter old man? What if he'd been younger when I was born, would that have made a difference, would he have been the sort of Daddy to spend time with me, would he have cared? Would he have loved me, I mean, I know he loved me in his way, but, I don't know. I'll re-iterate it one last time, then I'll let it drop. I miss having a Daddy. Maybe not my Dad, but A Dad.

Last on this note, but not least, the stuff for Uncle Jack's estate came in the mail. In it is my sister Tori's address, under her married name. I'm tempted to write her and say, "Hey, don't know if it was just the family as a whole or Mom or what, that you wanted to get away from, I was 13, I don't know, but I'd appreciate it if you'd clear that up. Here's what's going on, don't know if you care.if you want to, write me, I'd like to get to know you. I miss having a sister, even if I've got Shanna Faye, it still sucks to have lost one." Don't know if I should, but hell, She just Disappeared from my life, I deserve to know why and have some closure.

Tremendous thanks to my friends, Jennifer, Justin, and Leeta, for being there for me. Jennifer, you're the best friend a person could have, you don't know how grateful I am for you and all you do for me, ditto for Justin, you're a wonderful guy and you always help me out. I love you Both. Leeta, *Hugs* I don't know what I'd do if I didn't know that there would good people like you and I was blest enough to have you for a friend.

Counseling suck

Counseling. Meh, I rambled for a 50 minute hour, feel more depressed than before. Don't know what that women thinks about me, I'm just, bah. I want to go to sleep, but have to do errands for Mom. *Hugs* and love to all. I just want to sleep.

On the way Home

Riding home from the petrol station, I realized I'm sick of being the one to reach out. This goes to a certain set of friends, whom when ever I get depressed I realize I'm ALWAYS the one to reach out to. I'm SICK of it. Here's a list of who reaches out to me

Jennifer

Justin

Leeta

*rechecks her Buddy List*

Tim, occasionally

Joana and I stay in touch, sort of

Nikki, though we're not close

Yep, that's it, all the friends who keep in touch really well. Folks like Tema and Hope keep in touch thru blog, but a.) I'm not as close to them as a LOT of other people, and b.) blogging isn't the same as other ways.

Now, they get an excuse, they're really busy, and while I consider them friends, we're not like really close friends. But for the folks I'm close to (real life folks, not really anyone online) that don't keep in touch, YES, they're busy, but damn it, I stay pretty busy too, and I dont' want to make the effort, and there are times when I'm like, "I ought to just stop trying" (which you can see by how I write this every few months. I shouldn't write anymore of this, it depresses me more.

Stream of Concious

I hate breathing I hate being I hate thinking that there's nothing left to live for, when I know somewhere inside that there is, but all I've got is life, full of trouble full of strife and all I know is I don't wanna be alone. I'm so tired of pretending that I'm normal and of sending little messages to myself and all of you, that I'm okay, and especially I'm sick of all this Mother fucking shit and especially I'm tired of pretending I don't want to be through with this pretending and this life.

Heh, so, haven't been here for a while. As everyone knows, kurt and mine's acquaintance was short lived. I've been depressed and took it out on my other blog. Poor thing. Anyhow, I've got shit I want to get out of the way, so I'm posting a few songs here.

I hated you somedays,
Was so confused because
you threw our love away
Tore up my world,
Now I'm glad you didn't stay,
Was so naive back then,
All alone and I was scared,
Believing noone cared
So I was

Chorus:
Hating you while I love you so,
Wasting time, not letting go,
I don't know,
how I got through
got over you while I was hurting,
while I missed you,
I don't know.


Somedays I wanted to Yell
wanted to hurt you
wanted to damn you to hell,
and you deserved it,
For all the nights I cried your name,
And I know that was Lame,
But I was crazy
My heart was breaking,
My soul was shaking
And I was

Chorus


I thought if I'd just wait,
you'd come back to me,
Didn't even know it
was allready too late,
That you'd moved on
before we were through
So I sat Wasting my time
Worrying
You'd figure yourself out,
Not want me, and now

Even though now Its over,
And I've given up on you and me,
Every Day I keep growing,
and Knowing that I'll find what I need,
In love, now that I'm done,

Chorus:

Yeah, I posted a different version of this a few months back, it's crap, but Jennifer was kind enough to review it. Meanwhile:

I gave my heart and all I got,
were pieces mailed back in a box marked
"Return to sender, too much postage due"
you were everything to me,
And I wasn't shit to you.
And for a while I was angry,
For a while I was upset,
The hurt overwhelmed me,
I couldn't believe I'd let,
it happen to me, but then again,

I settled for crumbs from the begining,
and You know that's the truth,
I took the crumbs you kept tossing,
because they're all I got from you,

If I had pride I lost it,
when you came into my heart,
the heart that's now in a broken little box,
the peices torn apart

And taped onto the box,
that holds the pieces,
is a note,
a tattered slip of paper that
and it reads,

"Sorry to do this to you,
And I swear it's no one's fault,
And if I could I'd be with you,
But Now as things stand,
I never want to see you again"

Do you know it did to me,
To see how you said?
Do you know what it meant,
How it's now stuck in my head,
since we're through,
I can say,
Yes I loved you,
And I thought that you loved me,
I thought I needed you,
And I just cant believe,
that though we're through,
I'm a Fool
I'll still take crumbs from you.

That's more post break up angst, god, I'm sick of all this Shit.

Sitting alone,
watching all the world pass me by,
try to join in for a while,
Watching as my Friends
Wander off to other ends
and leave me all alone
so I'm sitting here at home cause

No body gives a shit about me,
It's all part of the stupid
selfish mentality
No one gives a shit about me
might as well be on a shelf
sitting alone all by myself.

Then I try,
To treat them like I should
but I cry,
cause they've never understood
that being friends's a two way road
sort of an unspoken code.
I follow but still~

I'm utterly pathetic, maybe not, I don't care, I just wish I'd quit breathing cause the novelty's worn off. I don't mean it, least not right now. God, Friday, Hurry up and get here. Had a knife earlier, not smart, not smart, hurry up Friday, please please Please