So, I went out to dinner last night with a really nice guy (Kurt) and we had a nice time. My mother doesn't know this though, so Shhhh!It's the first time I've ever lied about where I was going, I told her I was going out with Xao. I really drove over to Gaffney, about 100 miles away or so. It was a nice evening, we ate at Cracker Barrel, talked there, played checkers, then talked in the car for a while after they started closing the restaurant. Kurt is a very... serious and logical person, which is interesting. He's really nice and seems sweet, and we're decided that it'd be nice to go out again and see how things go. We were both a bit nervous, me moreso than him I believe. We discussed politics, religion, philosophy, sociology, about college, etc. It was a very normal "Getting to Know you" bit, and Like I said, we're willing to try it again.

The problem is, Kurt's a bit... dry. Humor wise. He's EXCEEDINGLY logical, and sorry, but even Spock showed a little emotion. Oh, he was really polite, the typical first date compliments on how nice I looked, but here's the problem. I miss Brian, or at least how things were with us. Brian and I had so much FUN, you know? We'd Goof off about the Stupidest shit, have totally messed up conversations about absolutely nothing that had us falling out of our chairs in the midst of serious stuff. I don't know if Kurt's capable of that. I'm willing to give it a shot, I mean, maybe he was just tense.

Also, I'm not sure I want someone who merely thinks I'm 'Pretty' and 'a nice who thought I was 'gorgeous', 'sexy' and 'wonderful'. Yeah, Kurt and I haven't known each other long enough for those sort of compliments to be approps, but I think that's gonna be one of my rules in dating. A guy HAS to believe that I'm the best thing since sliced bread to measure up, and at some point (a month, 6 weeks, I dunno) he's gotta make it known. I'm used to being adored I guess (Brian spoiled me, despite how messed up our relationship was, he did) and knowing that there's still a guy out there who absolutely adores me, no matter if in other areas we don't match up, makes me wonder if I should or want to deal with someone who doesn't. I know I'm being nuts. I'm still gonna go out with Kurt, but what if I bore him or he bores me? I don't want to hurt him, I mean, when talking we discussed past relationships, and he's about like me (had one that meant a lot to him and had it break apart), and he reallyis a nice guy. It's not like I'm uninterested, but it's not like I'm totally otherwise either, ya know? I guess I'll just wait and see, but what will I do if we don't have any fun?

Another mindor concern, he's only ever been in one serious relationship, (like me), and though his lasted a LOT longer, it never got very serious in the intimacy department, ie, he didn't go as far w/ his ex as I went w/ mine. He's a good kisser, but there's room for improvement, not to mention, God knows what he does and doesn't know. He's 23, I'm 18, so, it's a bit reversed, though he really is a sweet and nice guy. Not bad looking either. Just I'm not sure how to deal with him not knowing as much as I do or how to get him to kiss a bit better, (I won't go into detail, it might offend Jennifer). Plus, he officially graduates (for the last time, he's actually graduating twice, once for each of his degrees) in August, then going off to law school god knows where, so that could put a natural experation date on things. What if things work out and then he has to go away? Yeah, I know I'm worrying too much, borrowing trouble, but getting it out has helped, and God knows I can't think for myself. *Hugs* and love to all who are putting up w/ me,

Pardon the whining

Prepare for melodramatic whining. Waah. It'd be nice if One day, one WHOLE ENTIRE DAY, passed without my family bitching at me, fussing at me, etc. It'd be nice if the fact that I'm a good kid, get good grades, work hard, and generally don't cause trouble, HELL, don't even discuss religion and politics or anything else that would cause them to get mad at me, with them anymore, that I don't even SEE them much anymore, had some influence on the way that I get treated. At least this time I brought it on myself. You see, I took 5 dollars from their stupid trip piggy bank the other day so I'd have Gas to get to school and work. I would have had money for gas, but I loaned my last 14 dollars to my sister the day before she Exploded the engine in her car so She could get gas. I get paid tomorrow, so I was planning to put it back and hopefully not get bitched out about it since no one would notice. Instead, they noticed, (or rather shanna did) and I was treated to a 40 minute lecture on how worthless and evil and what a bitch, cunt, tramp etc, I am. I could have dealt with it, I really could have, cept she pulled the whole "And go whine about it" bit.

You see, I spent most of my life, up until I was like 15 or 16, in complete isolation about whatever was going on in my life. I wasn't allowed to talk about how I felt when someone was mean to me, or something happened, when I was falling apart inside. It was like emotional lock down. And then one day a friend let me, made me really, talk about how I was feeling, instead of me keeping it bottled up inside so that I wanted to cry and see if maybe the next time pills would do the job, or I'd get up the guts to slit my wrists or throat.

I was the Calm one, the "strong Christian Influence" so I wasn't supposed to be suicidal or anything. Makes me wonder now weather I'm supposed to be, Period. God, I'm pathetic, but do you know what gets to me? Half the time, I don't even share when I'm really Really Upset. Oh, I grump a lot, it's sort of making up for lost time, but I don't believe I bitch all the time.

The thing is, Shanna TRIES to make me feel guilty for feeling bad and being hurt when she puts me down, and for wanting to turn to someone for comfort instead of just suffering. Scuse me, but that's fairly sick. I'm to the point that I am seriously wanting to seek therapy, just so I don't emplode or overload the folks that I can turn to when I'm upset, (Jennifer and Brian). I would turn to the Greer and Atlanta bunch, but things are too chaotic over there. But God, my life would be misery if I tried, they'd make it miserable. And though turning to my belief that no matter what, eveything will be allright in the end doesn't help me much now. Justin, he doesn't understand at all. He just CAN'T understand. I just wanna curl up and not exsist. That's all for now.