New notebook 7/22 through 7/25
Note: I started writing in notebooks since I couldn't get online to do my blog.
No clue what to do /w it. Bought it because it's cute. Happy Bunny saying "Cute but Psycho. Things Even Out" Goodness, I have bad handwriting.
Sitting in Ruby Tuesdays parking lot, waiting on Dustin, wont' even get into the internal dialouge situation brings up.
Am queen of daydreaming up bad situations, he didnt' seem like he wanted to see me, but is doing so as not to upset me. Decided I won't care. V. Perturbed. Must learn/Fake being confident. I'm not happy like I was when I frist attened college. want more than writing GD papers. HATE Papers.
Suddenly realized I am writing like Cassie Clair. How strange of me. Was goign to write backwards or with left hand, but am writing at an odd angle.
When did I quit being deep and start acting my age? When I started having friends outside of school?
Should I fake being happy? Not certain.
What does it meant to think? Really, when you don't use logical process, what is thought? A coelecsancse of observations, emotional and reality enduced, examined w/ commentary and decisions made? I prefer the thoughts that make my mind feel full of air, oben, boundriless. Is that a word? Open Midned. Going to read.
(Later)
I got dumped. Isn't that lovely? Here's a catalouge of what parts of me are thinking
"I wasn't pretty enough"
He met some girl at Ruby Tuesdays that he want's to go after, thats why he broke up with me?
Why am I a loser?
Why do I pick losers?
This is shaded of Brian Rowe all over again
It's not like I loved him even a little, I liked him but not loved, so why does it hurt so much?
You said you never had a bad break up with a girlfriend, you were always frinedns afterwards. Is this the same line you used on them, did I just get played?
Did someone make comments about your fat ugly girlfiriend and that's why I'm being put through this?
I don't deserve this.
This hurts.
Why?
I should go out and get drunk
f I hadn't commented on our not being good at the qwhole conversation thing he wouldnt' have dumped me
This is my fault
This is his fault.
Justin will be happy
I don't deserve this
I'm a stupid bitch
I want to die.
I should buiy you that trench cote at good will that you mentionted and tell you to conssider it payment for services rendered.
that's mean of me, God, I'm such a pathetic bitch.
You never really liked me.
I want to cry.
It's not like I looked at him as Mr. Right or someone I might wind up w/ forever, so why am I so upset?
I hate this
I want to say some of these things to him, but I'll regret it if I do.
This is all my fault.
I wasn't good enough
I am pathetic
I hate myself
He's probably off somewhere laughing his ass off at me.
I don't take these things well.
This isn't worth self distruciting over, but it's a good excuse.
I want to sleep.
Apparently, there were more to my insecurities than my being psycho and scared.
I can't believe I went through this much effort to look good for you, and this happens.
Part of the problem is that if a guys hows interest and we make out, I feel like it's unfair to do that, like being a tease and not make sure they...
that's where I screwed up. Litereally. Dusitni says he feels like a whore, jumping from relationship to relationship. he syas he treated me badly and that I deserve better, but that's what I am used to. He admitted to being distant and appologizedbut part of me feels like asking, "Did you play me?" I also feel like saying, "Here's what went wrong, we started out badly, let's start again. We had me, who thought I owed a guy I liked sex if made out with ihim, and that it'd be unfair not to, to let them cool down naturally. And you, who are just as bad and can't say no.
I don't know weather to have a sense of humor or be bitter tomorrow. If I even see him. I think if he played me I'd be hurt and angry, but if he threw me over for someone else I'll be exceedingly hurt, no "just" about it.
Thought:
"this reinforceds the unfair feeling/belief that males can not be trusted, counted on, that they'll always leave. People always leave, especiallly males. Like I said, not fair, but at least I realize it. It IS how I feel."
Two days later
and I'm still sad. Not crazy, but sad. and it WAS shades of Rowe all over again. From the "It's not you, it's me" to "I don't want to drag y ou thorugh this" (with Rowe it was, "I don't want to drag you through my shit", but still) to the whole, (paraphrasing here, because by this point in getting dumped I wasn't tracking well) "I'll have hope (that we'll get backtogether) if you will"
I know he can't be aware of how like things I've heard before it sounds. Shoudl go to Ruby Tuesdays w/ Robbie for desert. it could be ammusing. Really, this would be such a nice break up if not for me. I told him some fo the not nice thoughts I was having, and I think I hurt his feelings. He's such a sweetheart sometimes, the damn republican self made bastard. See, it really would be nice if not for me.
I wish I knew why this happened.
Sun 7/25
Honestly, what's the point? I ought to just slit my throat and be done with it. I'm so tired of being bitched at. Apparently, I'm not the good child. Shanna is. So where does that leave me?
I don't come home early, I do stay out late, and up late. But it's not like I'm partying or sleeping around or smoking or doing drugs. I'm playing video games and hanging out for gods sake.
I don't go to church because I havne' found one I like and agree with.
I wish Mom could just accept me for who I am. I'm reminded of being little, and her introducing us or telling someone about us. Someone'd ask after Daddy,a nd she'd say how his health was, or that he was still in the hospital in Columbia, then introduce Victoria, her "smart child" and Sam, "her trouble maker, but he had a good heart" and then Shanna, her "Gift from God" who made things easier on her, then me, "her youngest girl, Emily" and then Brandon, her "special child," whom God sent to teach her. I was solely denoted by where I popped up in the line up. She's got two boy and two girls without me, what's she need me for? Two to stay and two to go, a good girl and a bad girl, a good boy and a bad boy, she doesn't need me. No one does (cept Jennifer, and she's a good friend, but that's different). I really feel like crying. I just want to curl up and poof, disappeer, stop exsisting. Cry.
Yep, I probably need some more therapy.
How I feel Now:
Tired, sad, worn out, unloved, alone, confused. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm menstrul. Who knows. I want to curl up and cry, but don't have a safe place. Why is it I never have a safe place? Am at Nikki's, John and she are in and out of this room, Dustin's in the green room watching some anime or another.
No clue what to do /w it. Bought it because it's cute. Happy Bunny saying "Cute but Psycho. Things Even Out" Goodness, I have bad handwriting.
Sitting in Ruby Tuesdays parking lot, waiting on Dustin, wont' even get into the internal dialouge situation brings up.
Am queen of daydreaming up bad situations, he didnt' seem like he wanted to see me, but is doing so as not to upset me. Decided I won't care. V. Perturbed. Must learn/Fake being confident. I'm not happy like I was when I frist attened college. want more than writing GD papers. HATE Papers.
Suddenly realized I am writing like Cassie Clair. How strange of me. Was goign to write backwards or with left hand, but am writing at an odd angle.
When did I quit being deep and start acting my age? When I started having friends outside of school?
Should I fake being happy? Not certain.
What does it meant to think? Really, when you don't use logical process, what is thought? A coelecsancse of observations, emotional and reality enduced, examined w/ commentary and decisions made? I prefer the thoughts that make my mind feel full of air, oben, boundriless. Is that a word? Open Midned. Going to read.
(Later)
I got dumped. Isn't that lovely? Here's a catalouge of what parts of me are thinking
"I wasn't pretty enough"
He met some girl at Ruby Tuesdays that he want's to go after, thats why he broke up with me?
Why am I a loser?
Why do I pick losers?
This is shaded of Brian Rowe all over again
It's not like I loved him even a little, I liked him but not loved, so why does it hurt so much?
You said you never had a bad break up with a girlfriend, you were always frinedns afterwards. Is this the same line you used on them, did I just get played?
Did someone make comments about your fat ugly girlfiriend and that's why I'm being put through this?
I don't deserve this.
This hurts.
Why?
I should go out and get drunk
f I hadn't commented on our not being good at the qwhole conversation thing he wouldnt' have dumped me
This is my fault
This is his fault.
Justin will be happy
I don't deserve this
I'm a stupid bitch
I want to die.
I should buiy you that trench cote at good will that you mentionted and tell you to conssider it payment for services rendered.
that's mean of me, God, I'm such a pathetic bitch.
You never really liked me.
I want to cry.
It's not like I looked at him as Mr. Right or someone I might wind up w/ forever, so why am I so upset?
I hate this
I want to say some of these things to him, but I'll regret it if I do.
This is all my fault.
I wasn't good enough
I am pathetic
I hate myself
He's probably off somewhere laughing his ass off at me.
I don't take these things well.
This isn't worth self distruciting over, but it's a good excuse.
I want to sleep.
Apparently, there were more to my insecurities than my being psycho and scared.
I can't believe I went through this much effort to look good for you, and this happens.
Part of the problem is that if a guys hows interest and we make out, I feel like it's unfair to do that, like being a tease and not make sure they...
that's where I screwed up. Litereally. Dusitni says he feels like a whore, jumping from relationship to relationship. he syas he treated me badly and that I deserve better, but that's what I am used to. He admitted to being distant and appologizedbut part of me feels like asking, "Did you play me?" I also feel like saying, "Here's what went wrong, we started out badly, let's start again. We had me, who thought I owed a guy I liked sex if made out with ihim, and that it'd be unfair not to, to let them cool down naturally. And you, who are just as bad and can't say no.
I don't know weather to have a sense of humor or be bitter tomorrow. If I even see him. I think if he played me I'd be hurt and angry, but if he threw me over for someone else I'll be exceedingly hurt, no "just" about it.
Thought:
"this reinforceds the unfair feeling/belief that males can not be trusted, counted on, that they'll always leave. People always leave, especiallly males. Like I said, not fair, but at least I realize it. It IS how I feel."
Two days later
and I'm still sad. Not crazy, but sad. and it WAS shades of Rowe all over again. From the "It's not you, it's me" to "I don't want to drag y ou thorugh this" (with Rowe it was, "I don't want to drag you through my shit", but still) to the whole, (paraphrasing here, because by this point in getting dumped I wasn't tracking well) "I'll have hope (that we'll get backtogether) if you will"
I know he can't be aware of how like things I've heard before it sounds. Shoudl go to Ruby Tuesdays w/ Robbie for desert. it could be ammusing. Really, this would be such a nice break up if not for me. I told him some fo the not nice thoughts I was having, and I think I hurt his feelings. He's such a sweetheart sometimes, the damn republican self made bastard. See, it really would be nice if not for me.
I wish I knew why this happened.
Sun 7/25
Honestly, what's the point? I ought to just slit my throat and be done with it. I'm so tired of being bitched at. Apparently, I'm not the good child. Shanna is. So where does that leave me?
I don't come home early, I do stay out late, and up late. But it's not like I'm partying or sleeping around or smoking or doing drugs. I'm playing video games and hanging out for gods sake.
I don't go to church because I havne' found one I like and agree with.
I wish Mom could just accept me for who I am. I'm reminded of being little, and her introducing us or telling someone about us. Someone'd ask after Daddy,a nd she'd say how his health was, or that he was still in the hospital in Columbia, then introduce Victoria, her "smart child" and Sam, "her trouble maker, but he had a good heart" and then Shanna, her "Gift from God" who made things easier on her, then me, "her youngest girl, Emily" and then Brandon, her "special child," whom God sent to teach her. I was solely denoted by where I popped up in the line up. She's got two boy and two girls without me, what's she need me for? Two to stay and two to go, a good girl and a bad girl, a good boy and a bad boy, she doesn't need me. No one does (cept Jennifer, and she's a good friend, but that's different). I really feel like crying. I just want to curl up and poof, disappeer, stop exsisting. Cry.
Yep, I probably need some more therapy.
How I feel Now:
Tired, sad, worn out, unloved, alone, confused. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm menstrul. Who knows. I want to curl up and cry, but don't have a safe place. Why is it I never have a safe place? Am at Nikki's, John and she are in and out of this room, Dustin's in the green room watching some anime or another.
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