Pardon the whining

Prepare for melodramatic whining. Waah. It'd be nice if One day, one WHOLE ENTIRE DAY, passed without my family bitching at me, fussing at me, etc. It'd be nice if the fact that I'm a good kid, get good grades, work hard, and generally don't cause trouble, HELL, don't even discuss religion and politics or anything else that would cause them to get mad at me, with them anymore, that I don't even SEE them much anymore, had some influence on the way that I get treated. At least this time I brought it on myself. You see, I took 5 dollars from their stupid trip piggy bank the other day so I'd have Gas to get to school and work. I would have had money for gas, but I loaned my last 14 dollars to my sister the day before she Exploded the engine in her car so She could get gas. I get paid tomorrow, so I was planning to put it back and hopefully not get bitched out about it since no one would notice. Instead, they noticed, (or rather shanna did) and I was treated to a 40 minute lecture on how worthless and evil and what a bitch, cunt, tramp etc, I am. I could have dealt with it, I really could have, cept she pulled the whole "And go whine about it" bit.

You see, I spent most of my life, up until I was like 15 or 16, in complete isolation about whatever was going on in my life. I wasn't allowed to talk about how I felt when someone was mean to me, or something happened, when I was falling apart inside. It was like emotional lock down. And then one day a friend let me, made me really, talk about how I was feeling, instead of me keeping it bottled up inside so that I wanted to cry and see if maybe the next time pills would do the job, or I'd get up the guts to slit my wrists or throat.

I was the Calm one, the "strong Christian Influence" so I wasn't supposed to be suicidal or anything. Makes me wonder now weather I'm supposed to be, Period. God, I'm pathetic, but do you know what gets to me? Half the time, I don't even share when I'm really Really Upset. Oh, I grump a lot, it's sort of making up for lost time, but I don't believe I bitch all the time.

The thing is, Shanna TRIES to make me feel guilty for feeling bad and being hurt when she puts me down, and for wanting to turn to someone for comfort instead of just suffering. Scuse me, but that's fairly sick. I'm to the point that I am seriously wanting to seek therapy, just so I don't emplode or overload the folks that I can turn to when I'm upset, (Jennifer and Brian). I would turn to the Greer and Atlanta bunch, but things are too chaotic over there. But God, my life would be misery if I tried, they'd make it miserable. And though turning to my belief that no matter what, eveything will be allright in the end doesn't help me much now. Justin, he doesn't understand at all. He just CAN'T understand. I just wanna curl up and not exsist. That's all for now.