Long Time, no Updates

Long Time, no Updates, I know, I've been diverting all the bitching to my other blog, which I shoudlnt' be doing. Yah, Yah. Whatever. I get Really Tired of stuff, but, anyhow, next time I'll try to remember to put my anger HERE where it belongs.

Confusion

Ah, apathy, my dear old friend. Apathy, at times, is a good escape, and can lead to objectivity or the expression of repressed emotions. Or the Repression of Expressed Emotions, take your pick. Take my family, for example. Mother was cussing at having to go do something for the church tonight. Sis is being "re-dedicated" tomorrow, although the preacher say's it's a baptism, that apparently she wasn't really 'Saved' the first time *derrisive laughter*. The way she's acting, I'm not sure she's saved this time, and know what brought it all about? Scare tactics, someone asked at church if people died tomorrow did they think they'd go to heaven? And she decided that she'd been "talking the talk," But not necessarily "walking the walk". Her change lasted, oh, maybe a day after that, the whole, "I'm a Christian and going to act it," bit. I'm not even sure she knows what being a "Christian" means. Most Christians don't. Heck, Christianity it's self doesn't define it, and it'd be hard for it too, really, what with all the books left out of the bible for what amounts to the reasoning of internal church politics and social manipulation.

Anyhow, to get back on track, I'm expected to go, and the good, supportive, Sisterly thing would be for me to go. However, I don't really *want* to do the good and sisterly thing. See, my sister, would never be supportive of me. She never has been in the past, never will be, when it comes to things that are so close and personally important as religion, faith, beliefs, or anything, Really. She can't even be happy for me for ANY Reason or over anything. Sad, huh? No support or acceptance for my Political Beliefs. None for who my friends are. Nothing I do, say, think, or like, is acceptable to her or something she can support. So why Should I Go to her "re-dedication/baptism/whatever" when she wouldn't return the favor?

Why should I put up with what will probably turn out to be a bunch of hippocrits for over 2 hours and make non commital noises when they tell me I should come back, and have to bite my tounge to contain anything I might say that could potentally get me lectured at and prayed for? Not that I resent being prayed for, you understand, but when it'd be done in the manner and for the reason it potentially might, my first instinct is to let the apathetic, sarcastic, rather derisive Me Loose to have Fun. I don't suffer fools lightly, and the folks at Mom's church, well, let's just say I'm close to believe they'll all fall into that catagory, without meeting them.

Not that they aren't perfectly nice people, however, from what I've heard Mom and sis say are the discussions being held at church and the sermons being given, they aren't open minded, and are the type so wrapped up in the 'Rightness' of their own faith and that they are the ONLY right faith, they have no tolerance or atceptance. They'll pray you and try to save you to death. Sorry, Been there, done that, Ain't going there again unless I can enjoy it, and the way I enjoy it would be quite rude, and I might regret it later. Well, probably not, but I'd regret not being 'lady-like'. I always regret not being lady like in situations like that. When it's a tough spot, argument or disagreement wise with someone outside my family, and I don't keep my cool and stay on my best behavior. I've been programmed too well.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to go or not, am heavily leaning towards the not, though won't that make me as bad as my sister? Why should I even care, really? I'm afraid of being like her, but I am supportive of her, or at least I don't shoot down most of her dumb ideas and thoughts. I dunno what to do or think. I don't want to go, I really don't.

But I do miss one thing about church. Singing. It was something I was good at, and Still enjoy. Raising my voice in song to praise and worship a Good, Kind, Loving, and Just God. I miss that. Too bad that the Good, Kind, Loving, and Just God I believe in doesn't match up with the ones of other religions, especially my familys. Theirs and their churches likes to send people to hell for reasons that I don't think Mine would. Same God, really, they just put theirs in a box that supports their narrowmindedness, and allows for them to keep their biases without thinking but while still being able to pull off the 'we're really good' bit by saying that they still Love the people, but they're sinners and want them saved. Don't accept, just change, and condemn, and etc. Sorry, anyhow, Can't do this anymore. Don't wanna go. Not gonna go. End of Story. Maybe. I'm still not sure. I went to a friends baptism the other year to show that I loved and supported her, and was happy that she'd found a faith and such. But can I do the same for my sister, who's beliefs and motives I am suspicious about? Should I do it, when the comfort factor is so low? I dunno, I'm confused, advice would be appreciated.

Long Time, No Blog

Long Time, No blog, and I'm tired of having that last thing at the top of this one. The world is Typical, go fig, and everything that I *should* have placed here as this is supposed to be the place to dump all the negative stuff has wound up in other places. Much appologies over this. I'm going to do s.o.c on this, bear with.

It's odd, but my mental voice that I hear say everything I think is different sometimes when I work on this blog, oh, right now it's normal, but it's commenting on the other voice, which is slightly deeper and flatter. Apathetic, I guess. Maybe. Anyhow, let's slip back into that. I don't have anything to blog, besides deciding that I have more than one side. Yeah, like that's a surprise. I've got several, some of them nice, some not so nice, not that I'm disassociating or anything. Self analysis is a normal activity here, and the product of that is seeing yourself objectively at times. Go fig. Anyhow, can't do this anymore, really have no compunction to.

TMI Warning.

I'm finally going to put this blog to the use it was designed for, being brutally honest and blunt, no holds barred. This could lead to what some of y'all might think is TMI, but I have almost No worry about that, so you'll have to judge for yourselves. Just a warning.

Anyhow, after having what I thought was a pretty great Weekend. Should I recap? Well, I've rather got to.

Went out of town, the guy showed up that night. Hung out, snuggled, made out, wound up in bed together, (yes Jen, I know you warned me, I KNEW it was a stupid move to make. What can I say, I'm a Dumb Bitch.) My reasoning for it was that I love this guy, and it's something I enjoy weather we're together or not. I also often feel that it's sometimes the only way I can show him my love, and there's another reason. I like being in control, not that I'm dominate or anything in bed, but it's a situation I can control by giving him pleasure. Anyhow, we have a nice time Cuddling and Such, Doing the Deed, etc, and he spends the night. The next day we hang out around the house, go to the mall, and don't do a whole lot else most of the day cause, embarrasing as this is to admit, I was a little tired and a little too tender for much. That night we did though, and it was FANTASTIC. We spent time talking before and after, so I mean it wasn't all Physical, but we had a good time.

He went home the Third day of my weekend trip, but he did call, which I thought was sweet. Then on the 4th day, he came back, and we hung out, talked, rented a movie, cuddled. We talked about a lot of stuff, including how confussed he is about a lot of stuff in his life. He said, (and Says,) he still loves me, and he pretty obviously knows I love him. But, he's voiced a few things, such as

He's worried about limiting me.

He's worried about my youth

He says he's scared of hurting me.

He said a lot of things.

Get the drift? Anyhow, he went to return the movie we rented before he went home the 4th day of my trip, and stopped back by on his way home to help me bring the dogs in and warn me of a big storm. He called the 5th day, and even though I was going thru what I'll call the post-sex crazies (thinking things like, OMG, what if that messes up any chances of a future, what if he thinks bad of me, etc,) We had a good talk. We didn't talk the 6th day, and on the 7th day I got home.

It's on the 7th day that I made my mistake. I called him. ANd we talked, it was a good talk, but he said that we probably shouldn't do that again, and that it might be a good idea to cut back on all the flirting and such, but that he does still love me. Logically, that makes sense, right? He even said, "If it won't make you insecure." But I'm such a bidable, pliable creature that I couldn't help but agree, right? And it IS logical, right? *sigh* But logics not what I'm going by. What I'm going by is heart. And Mind. And my Evil Alter Ego, that insedious little voice in the back of my mind that whispers, He got What he wanted, now he's tossing you aside. Dumb Bitch. What did you expect? Why would he want to stick around anyhow and then calls me more names. And Yes, I know I'm whining. But It HURTS. Gods, how it Hurts. It hurts so much that that same little voice, or maybe her little sister, is trying to ease the pain in one of the most disturbing of ways. I keep thinking. "It doesn't hurt, it can't hurt. You'd have to have a heart to hurt. You don't have a Soul, so You can't hurt." It worries me, and makes me sad, and hurts even more. And then My next reaction is to be bitter, (These are ALL my reactions, I know, but I sometimes feel like they're not coming from a concious part of me.) And this Bitter reaction is to do something thats Not Nice, like tell him, "Why don't you give *insert his former room mate's Name Here* My Number?" I don't think that'd be very nice, and I Don't want to hurt him, (mostly) but it's one of the immediate reactions.

And then there's the whole 'Do something to yourself to punish Him' But I Especially Know THAT'S stupid. Though walking past the stairs today as I came to the open Lab, I thought, "Maybe I'll fall down the stairs today and break my neck." I instantly went cold at the idea, and scared, and sad, but it was there, none the less.

I really just want to curl up and cry, (or maybe it's Die? No, I don't really want to die.) Curl up and cry somewhere in a nice corner, or somewhere that I feel safe. But the closest I come to feeling safe anywhere is in his Arms, and Doesn't that Just Fart? I'm a dumb Bitch, actually, I'm not, but saying that, calling myself and evil Bitch, etc, helps keep me going sometimes, it gives me an armor. I don't want that armor though. I want to be able to Cry. I want him to Love Me. I want happily ever after and all that Jazz. I have to go to class now, more later, maybe. First I gotta make it down those stairs.

Screw it all.

Ha. How quickly things change, a week ago I thought I was 'All-Right'. I know no one but Jennifer reads this blog, so admitting that this is really justa home for my alter ego, along with the really whiny/depressed and self-destructive/suicidal Shit is atceptable. Right now, I'm not doing very well. Majorly depressed, moderately suicidal, And all around I just want to curl up and cry. But there's a problem w/ that you see. I have trouble crying, and the only place I feel Moderately safe, is no longer open to me. Jen, you might not approve, but there's going to be a brief explanation of what happened this weekend, not all of which you'll approve of. I believe that as my friend though, you won't hold any of it against me, though I really probably did bring it down on myself. Ack, I'll do it later, when I get to my next destination of the day.