It's been a while.

Okay, so, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Things are busy, and I apologize. I’m actually doing pretty well though, so far as I can tell. Confusion, well, it’s over. And I realized something the other day. There’s not anyone I know, met, or seen, that I would be interested in hooking up with, or even just talking. Seriously, I know that’s slightly weird, but I guess I’m still too hung up on the Guy. Go fig. I get to see him this coming weekend, we’re going to hang out. It should be fun. A nice change from the norm, but this only seeing folks every once in a blue moon is getting kind of old. Seriously Old, really. The search for well, stuff, continues. Stuff as in my text books, a life, sanity, etc. Lol, actually, I really am doing rather well right now. No telling how long THAT will last though. But, anyhow, thought I needed to update or something.

I'm Confused.

I am So confused. Then again, Love is a very confusing thing. Do I really stll care for the guy I used to date? I think I do, but one of my friends insists that it's just my foolish pride and that I could, 'Do Much Better.' Do I want to do much better? Do I want to keep waiting in hopes that we'll get back together? Is this Really the Person I want to spend the rest of my life with, or is it just someone convienient? If he is what I want, is he good enough for me, does he deserve my love? Despite my emotions and beliefs, and the feelings I still have for this guy, Should I be looking for another relationship, since we're no longer together, and there are no sure signs we ever will be again? Should I go out and find someone to have a fling with, so that I've got more, 'experience' as several of my friends have suggested. If So, would it be totally reprehensible for me to make a pass for a good friend of his who's shown interest, (at least Jokingly), in the past? Do I want to? Could I deal with the moral ramifications, of which there would be plenty for me, of dating someone when I'm still in love with someone else, namely, the guy I used to date, who was the first guy I was intimate with? *Sigh* See, isn't love confusing?

Okay, here's what I do know.

What I Know, About what I want, and What I know about the Guy and difficulties, problems there

What I Want and Know about Me	What I know about the guy
I want someone I love, who I can talk to	We can talk, wonderfully, about various subjects
I want to be held and kissed and loved	He does love and kiss and hold me
I want someone Romantic	This guy didn't even get me something for Christmas, brought me flowers onec, and generally just doesn't think.
Lot's of people say I can Do Better.	I like the guy, am fairly certain I love him, but He's got Problems he has to deal with. As it is, who knows, I personally doubt I Can do better, or if there is better for me. People who are waiting for Mr. Perfect wind up dead before he arrives.
I need safety and reassurance.	Right now, I have neither, and though I know he wouldn't hurt me physically, there have been times when he was angry that he scared me, unintentionally
I need someone as Intelligent as me	This guy is at least as intelligent as me
I enjoy friendly arguments over issues, and need to be able to have them with a patner	The Guy and I can argue, friendily, and still get along
I Deserve someone who is sure they want me, whom I won't be runner up or second prize for	I'm not sure this guy isn't in love with his Ex or Ex(s)
I deserve a guy who see's me as an equal	I think this guy does, but am not sure
I Need reassurance in a relationship	Even when we were dating, (which was a Fricked up situation indeed,) I didn't feel secure, or reassured
I believe in Fidelity.	This Guy has Normally has had open and multi partner relationships before
I'm bi, though I've never acted on it, and am uncertain if I ever will	The guy has 'jokingly' talked about seeing me w/ another girl before (ick! Not doing that, like, ever, in front of him) and I'm not sure that if he brought it up when we were together, I wouldn't do it just to make him happy.
I want things that I'm too young for, marriage, kids, etc, and can't have till I finish college	I'm not sure this guy wants or believes in any of these things.
I deserve a guy who see's me as an equal	I think this guy does, but am not sure
I want someone who will stand beside me in Thick and Thin, and plan to do the same.	So far, this guy, even though we are now 'Friends' and he says he loves me, and I say and believe I love him, has had serious difficulty coming to me when he has a problem, and has trouble leaning on me
I want someone who will spoil me, and let me spoil them	I know he'll let me spoil him, but I'm not sure if he'd spoil me.
Like I said, I believe in Fidelity	I have a bit of a crush on a friend of mine, though I know that I have no chance of anything happening with this person
I need a Stable, commited person.	The guy currently isn't stable, and he isn't sure he can be commited
I don't believe in going from relationship to relationship, haverdash or anything else,	I'm 18 years old, I've only ever had a serious (intimate) relationship with this one guy, so what do I know? Should I go on with nothing to compare it to.
Like I said, I don't believe in casual sex	I'd have to get over the guy, or give up pretty much completely on him to be able to move on. I'm not sure I want to.

Okay, so, I might add more later, in the mean time, I tested my HTML skills and have scratched the tip of the iceburg. I don't believe in just transfering one's feelings, I think it's rather immoral, so who knows. I Genuinely think I love the guy, but I'm not sure. I feel Wonderful when I'm with him, and drained and sad when we're apart. I can invision a future with him, and think we could be happy together, but what if that's just me settling for what I know, not trying for something a little better, like so many people are telling me I need to? I've told the guy I'll wait for him, I don't want to rescend that, I'd feel like a liar, but maybe I should start dating other people, and tell him when he's ready for a relationship, then we can try again, if I'm free. But I'm not sure I want that, though It'd be nice to have someone to just go out to dinner and a movie, or dancing, with. Am I limiting myself? Will it be unfair to the guy? Can I deal with risking a future with someone I love, admire, respect, and care deeply for? I don't know, and I Hate not knowing, hate insecurity and uncertainness. Like I said, I'm Just Confused, and I hate it.

Not the Point.

Jen, thank you for what you said, but suicide isn't the point, it isn't even something I'd do, because, A.) it's too permenant, B.) I don't have the Guts, C.) It'd hurt too many people to much, D.) I'd fail, and wind up in a loony bin until they decided I was functional, at which point I'd really be insane. The point is escape. I want to escape, just, not bother any more. People like you are the reason I don't consider escape seriously cept when things suddenly seem really bleek, when that curtain drops and suffocates. Right now though I'm like, "Someone else can put me back together later, right now I just Need to Fall Apart." Not that I will. I've come pretty darn close before, but never just totally let myself fall apart, and I think at some, or several, point(s) in a person's life, They NEED to be able to fall apart, and still feel safe. And I can't do that. I know you know what I mean when I say that. It's like the whole mentality of retreating into your own little world, I'll watch thru the looking glass, but I won't have to deal with it, I can comment, interject things, but still be saftely distanced from it. Not that I'm sure I can manage that, but sometimes it's so appealing. I'd be too scared though of never being in control again, of when I did, people not understanding or letting me go back to my own life.

Like I said, I would never commit suicide, I've got things to look forward to, if I just don't let the stuff that causes me to go into these funks let me rip apart. Not Fall apart, you notice, but rip, or perhaps be smashed under a weight into fine dust, suddenly, probably irreversiably. I don't want that to happen. But to be able to Just Rest for a while, to be able to relax, that'd be nice. If I didn't have to keep reminding myself when things got dark, if it weren't like forcing myself at times to remember the light, then it'd be easier. But everyone winds up, sometime or another, unable to see and Blind. I always feel rotten when I realize how stupid I'm being, because there are plenty of people with a lot more reason to be upset, and I really do have a great life. I have wonderful friends like Jen, but sometimes, you can't claw your way out of the darkness. The only thing that really comes close to what I'm trying to describe is this, cept it's from a different perspective than mine.

Savage Garden,
"Crash and Burn"

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
Your caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When Hopes n dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Your not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
and when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
if you jump i'll break you fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Pills

Okay, so, I want to take something. Specifically, I want to take a perscription of Hydro-something or other we have around. Not healthy, though I'm tempted to throw everything away and say, "The hell with it." If I do, I'll wait till people who'd be hurt are away to somewhere else, where they won't find out anytime near when it happens. I shouldn't, I probably wouldn't, but God, I want to. Just take them, see what happens, and waive the consequences. Just go off into my own little world, look through the glass box, not have to deal with what's happening. It might not be fair to some people, it'd hurt the hell out of others, and that's what I'm Trying to use as an argument. But I want to. Maybe just one to help me sleep. Yes, just one.

This makes me worry, the hysterical kind of worry, but I had to fight back a major panic attack earlier today, I won't even go into what, it was so stupid. I wound up biting back sobs and hysterical laughter as we drove down the road, my face turned to the window so I wouldn't be caught out if I let something slip thru. Stupid, stupid stupid, I want to start laughing or crying, don't know which. Oh, someone just brought up God. Which way to react, bask in the peace of believing in a good and loving God, try to get to that place, or ignore it? Let it Pass. I think I'll go take my pill now, and maybe go to bed. Salaam.

Sudden Impulse

I was riding in a car today, not really listening to what was being said because nothing really WAS being said. Nothing of value, or importance. And suddenly, I had this sudden impulse, almost just a flash of an image, which is how many impulses occur to me. There was a sword or sharp blade in front of me, I couldnt' see how it was being held up, and I was slashing my wrists against it, quickly. It wasn't as a person would slash or cut to commit suicide, because this was across the wrists rather than up the forearm. It was almost an act of punishment, but not at myself, that I can see, it was in anger, with a bit of bitterness or malicious intent to it. I've had this thought, impulse, whatever, before, but never like it was tonight. I got about as angry as I normally do myself for thoughts like this, the wastefulness, the stupidty, the etc, etc, etc. You get the drift. Just a stupid little Sudden Impulse, seen in shades of red, black, white and gray.