Where are the darker thoughts?

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I said this was a place for my "Darker Thoughts," So right now you're probably wondering where they are? Let's just say, it's difficult to get the gate I normally keep them locked behind open, because it's so different. There are the occasional thoughts that escape, yes, and the thoughts that seem like they should probably be behind that gate, but it's not the same thing. The hinges are rusty, and I'm somewhat afraid of the torent, the flood that could escape if I'm not careful. I have to keep a firm grasp on what I'm thinking, keep some ways of thinking beaten down, because there are two ways I could go insane, lose it all. One is by making a concious decision NOT to keep those barriers up, by conciously deciding to go ahead and start acting in the way that would be the steps into my being insane. The Second is to NOT watch carefully enough, and thru not being careful, going insane without realizing it. Well, more insane than I am now. This next bit was written a few weeks ago, so you know. I figured it's appropriate.

By my fingertips

Hanging onto my Sanity
by my finger tips
as if there is a ledged
in the back of my mind
right below a Precipice,

In one frame
I am hanging from it,
by my fingertips.
gray, stormy, motionless sky
Visible behind me
lightening flashes,
my legs kick feebly,
tangled in my skirt,
finding no foothold
in the rocky cliff

Lightening flashes again,
the scene changes,
I stand on the ledge,
wind whipping around me.
Sky turbulant with thunder and lightening
and I am looking down, down, down
deciding whether or not
I want to jump
Whether I want to make the choice
to give into my insanity or not

Hanging on by my fingertips
to the choice.
For me, it would be a choice
But I'm too scared,
too unsure
though I wonder at it
wish for it,
Loath that wishing as well
Holding on by my fingertips
to my desire
to hang onto my sanity.

Stuff.

Stuff is all in my head, thoughts, ideas, emotions from my heart that I'm disputing with myself or examining. It's rather interesting, from an objective perspective, which is funny, that I can have a pretty much objective perspective within myself, a little Me in a skirt, nice business blouse, wearing glasses, hair in a bun, taking notes on a clip board going, "MmmHmm, Yes." and scribbling away. A friend once warned me if I kept up like I am, managing to compartimentalize everything, I'd wind up disassociating. I probably allready have, but we get along so well and flow so easily from one to the next that I don't notice. Maybe not though. Anyhow, I've got too much going on in my mind. So much so, that apparently I have a perpetually po'd look on my face, unless I'm actually paying attention to something. My BLANK look is my PO'd one, apparently. Then I have other looks. One like a puppy who's just been popped with a newspaper and doesn't know why, one like some sort of mischevous critter, and others that friends and family haven't yet named. Anyhow, this isn't what I intended to write about, and I don't remember what I WAS going to write about, so I'm going to just go ahead and post this one, and do the other, if I remember it, later. Peace to all.

Why I worry.

I'm one of those folks who is normally worrying about something, maybe not MAJORLY worrying, but worrying none the less. I'm plauged by those questions of "What If?" and one of the things that I really worry about is something happening to one of my friends, that they'll be injured or sick or something. And As I was picking up in my room this morning, I came across this. I think it explains some, even though it isn't long.

Everybody leaves. It's a fact of life, a part of nature. You meet someone, you grow to care for them, and then suddenly they are gone. They've moved or died or simply lost touch, but they are no longer there. Everybody will go away eventually. It's only a matter of time. And while you might never be alone by yourself, sooner or later the person who was there for you the last time won't be there for you the next. Usually they'll be the reason for the next upset.

Fixed!

It is Fixed! It is Fixed! Thank you to Jennifer for Helping, actually doing, ALL the work to fix my blog! YAY For Jennifer, Thank you thank you Thank YOU! *Big Hug!*

Out of it.

Okay, so, I'm officially Brain dead. Nothings getting thru, maybe a thought here and there, but nothing coherent. But I feel the need to update, so here we go, I'll post a song I wrote, back after my ex and I broke up. As always, I reserve my rights as the author. It's not that great, but it's something.

I hated you today,
for a moment
cause you threw our love away
why'd you do it?
I don't know, I don't care
Right now I'm just scared
Cause I'm,

Chorus:
Hating you while I love you so,
Hating you when you had to go,
I don't know, how I'll get thru
Get over this while I love you
While I miss you,
I don't know.

You asked for me to wait,
And I'm trying
Till you can get your act straight
But I worry that
You'll figure yourself out,
Not want me, find out
That I'm

Chorus

Sometimes I want to Yell
want to hurt you
want to damn you straight to hell
But I'll Make it,
Past all of this someday,
At least that's what I pray
While I'm

Chorus

Last night I said your name
In the darkness
while the tears fell down like rain
I'm still angry
My heart is still breaking,
My soul is still shaking
And I'm

Chorus

One day the time will come
When I find out
If you want me or we're done
And I know you'll
Do what you think is best,
Till then I'll get no rest
Cause I'm

Chorus

And Now for Something Different

Did I mention I'd post some of my songs/poetry on here? All are my property, so No Stealing, though I think My friends are trust worthy. If you want to use anything on here, please ask. This poem was brought about thru a friend asking me a question about sand, and a sudden inspiration.

I wish I were a pile of sand,
Swept along in a balmy wind,
across the oceans and seas,
intertwined with you.
Flowing thru, from place to place.
Displaced yet always belonging,
but always near to you,
always next to you.
I wish I were the sand,
that the ocean sweeps away,
In the tide and then sweeps back,
Intertwined with you.
Drifting from place to place,
substantial yet insubstantial,
and always next to you,
always near to you

More later.

Politics

Why is it certain Groups (Conservatives, Fundimentalists, idealistic College students in ROTC) are more likely to buy into certain bullcrap than most? They ask for your beliefs, and when you disagree, Boy, do you get lectured at! It's NUTS, and I Despise it! This whole thing w/ Saddam Hussiens sons has brought out in me how disgusting the General Public and Media are. It's like they want to throw celebratory Parades that those two are dead, at least that's the impression you'd get from talking to some people. Those were some womans sons, some womans brothers, some one's fathers, someones friend.

Yes, they did some TERRIBLE things, If, and I say if, the Media and government are to be trusted. I don't personally think the media or Government can be, though they probably did do most of what they are accused of.

Yes, Iraq needed a change in Government, the people wanted it, but, hey, the US Government went about it was Wrong. G.W. Bush LIED to the American Public, and he knew it, they lied for the reasons, (They're profitting from it, give me time and I'll prove the path), and they Continue to lie. What's it going to take, our going into Liberia? Him admitting it? A Sex Scandle? An Impeachment (which I'm in favor of,)? What's it going to take for people to see this? The true believers, whom I'm frustrated and Angry with, and sad for too, will never come around, so what is it going to take? I'm so Frustrated, and PO'd, that I'm cold inside. Considering it's like 90 something here, that's Bad. More later, cause I'm frothing at the mouth and incoherant right now. I'll straighten this mess out later, say it better later.

Beliefs

Racist idiot POS! URG! I believe in Loving Everyone, okay? It's one of my main beliefs and 'Tennant's' if you will, right up there with, "Live so that if you die tomorrow, you'll have no regrets, but if you live in the days after, you can meet your eyes in the Mirror." and "Stand up for the beliefs and Rights of others, cause if you don't, who will stand up for your beliefs and rights?" and several other things. But, with the whole Loving thing, comes the Obligation to others rights. And while, yes, folks have a right to be Racist, I have a right to be utterly appalled, and saddend. Hating anyone, to me, is simply wrong. It's possible, but wrong to me. Feel Pity, feel anger, but at the core, love the person, love that the Same Wonderful Loving Creator made us all.

There's a line from a book, often repeated since it's part of a major religion of some of the characters, in which God is called, "The Tester, the Comforter, and the Intercestor" least I THINK that's the direct quote. And God's all those things I think. God is Everything. And that brings me a deep level of peace that can't be upset, no matter what the other currents are causing me. I just think that if other people BELIEVED in other peoples rights, and loved, then the world could be a Lot better place.

Initial Post

First Post for this Blog. Some not so nice, semi disturbing stuff probably will wind up on this Blog, some poetry and thoughts, an Idea I got from Jennifer *Waves at Jennifer* There are some darker thoughts that I probably need to weed out of public consumption, and here's where their new home will be. Peace be unto you all.