TMI Warning.

I'm finally going to put this blog to the use it was designed for, being brutally honest and blunt, no holds barred. This could lead to what some of y'all might think is TMI, but I have almost No worry about that, so you'll have to judge for yourselves. Just a warning.

Anyhow, after having what I thought was a pretty great Weekend. Should I recap? Well, I've rather got to.

Went out of town, the guy showed up that night. Hung out, snuggled, made out, wound up in bed together, (yes Jen, I know you warned me, I KNEW it was a stupid move to make. What can I say, I'm a Dumb Bitch.) My reasoning for it was that I love this guy, and it's something I enjoy weather we're together or not. I also often feel that it's sometimes the only way I can show him my love, and there's another reason. I like being in control, not that I'm dominate or anything in bed, but it's a situation I can control by giving him pleasure. Anyhow, we have a nice time Cuddling and Such, Doing the Deed, etc, and he spends the night. The next day we hang out around the house, go to the mall, and don't do a whole lot else most of the day cause, embarrasing as this is to admit, I was a little tired and a little too tender for much. That night we did though, and it was FANTASTIC. We spent time talking before and after, so I mean it wasn't all Physical, but we had a good time.

He went home the Third day of my weekend trip, but he did call, which I thought was sweet. Then on the 4th day, he came back, and we hung out, talked, rented a movie, cuddled. We talked about a lot of stuff, including how confussed he is about a lot of stuff in his life. He said, (and Says,) he still loves me, and he pretty obviously knows I love him. But, he's voiced a few things, such as

He's worried about limiting me.

He's worried about my youth

He says he's scared of hurting me.

He said a lot of things.

Get the drift? Anyhow, he went to return the movie we rented before he went home the 4th day of my trip, and stopped back by on his way home to help me bring the dogs in and warn me of a big storm. He called the 5th day, and even though I was going thru what I'll call the post-sex crazies (thinking things like, OMG, what if that messes up any chances of a future, what if he thinks bad of me, etc,) We had a good talk. We didn't talk the 6th day, and on the 7th day I got home.

It's on the 7th day that I made my mistake. I called him. ANd we talked, it was a good talk, but he said that we probably shouldn't do that again, and that it might be a good idea to cut back on all the flirting and such, but that he does still love me. Logically, that makes sense, right? He even said, "If it won't make you insecure." But I'm such a bidable, pliable creature that I couldn't help but agree, right? And it IS logical, right? *sigh* But logics not what I'm going by. What I'm going by is heart. And Mind. And my Evil Alter Ego, that insedious little voice in the back of my mind that whispers, He got What he wanted, now he's tossing you aside. Dumb Bitch. What did you expect? Why would he want to stick around anyhow and then calls me more names. And Yes, I know I'm whining. But It HURTS. Gods, how it Hurts. It hurts so much that that same little voice, or maybe her little sister, is trying to ease the pain in one of the most disturbing of ways. I keep thinking. "It doesn't hurt, it can't hurt. You'd have to have a heart to hurt. You don't have a Soul, so You can't hurt." It worries me, and makes me sad, and hurts even more. And then My next reaction is to be bitter, (These are ALL my reactions, I know, but I sometimes feel like they're not coming from a concious part of me.) And this Bitter reaction is to do something thats Not Nice, like tell him, "Why don't you give *insert his former room mate's Name Here* My Number?" I don't think that'd be very nice, and I Don't want to hurt him, (mostly) but it's one of the immediate reactions.

And then there's the whole 'Do something to yourself to punish Him' But I Especially Know THAT'S stupid. Though walking past the stairs today as I came to the open Lab, I thought, "Maybe I'll fall down the stairs today and break my neck." I instantly went cold at the idea, and scared, and sad, but it was there, none the less.

I really just want to curl up and cry, (or maybe it's Die? No, I don't really want to die.) Curl up and cry somewhere in a nice corner, or somewhere that I feel safe. But the closest I come to feeling safe anywhere is in his Arms, and Doesn't that Just Fart? I'm a dumb Bitch, actually, I'm not, but saying that, calling myself and evil Bitch, etc, helps keep me going sometimes, it gives me an armor. I don't want that armor though. I want to be able to Cry. I want him to Love Me. I want happily ever after and all that Jazz. I have to go to class now, more later, maybe. First I gotta make it down those stairs.