Confusion

Ah, apathy, my dear old friend. Apathy, at times, is a good escape, and can lead to objectivity or the expression of repressed emotions. Or the Repression of Expressed Emotions, take your pick. Take my family, for example. Mother was cussing at having to go do something for the church tonight. Sis is being "re-dedicated" tomorrow, although the preacher say's it's a baptism, that apparently she wasn't really 'Saved' the first time *derrisive laughter*. The way she's acting, I'm not sure she's saved this time, and know what brought it all about? Scare tactics, someone asked at church if people died tomorrow did they think they'd go to heaven? And she decided that she'd been "talking the talk," But not necessarily "walking the walk". Her change lasted, oh, maybe a day after that, the whole, "I'm a Christian and going to act it," bit. I'm not even sure she knows what being a "Christian" means. Most Christians don't. Heck, Christianity it's self doesn't define it, and it'd be hard for it too, really, what with all the books left out of the bible for what amounts to the reasoning of internal church politics and social manipulation.

Anyhow, to get back on track, I'm expected to go, and the good, supportive, Sisterly thing would be for me to go. However, I don't really *want* to do the good and sisterly thing. See, my sister, would never be supportive of me. She never has been in the past, never will be, when it comes to things that are so close and personally important as religion, faith, beliefs, or anything, Really. She can't even be happy for me for ANY Reason or over anything. Sad, huh? No support or acceptance for my Political Beliefs. None for who my friends are. Nothing I do, say, think, or like, is acceptable to her or something she can support. So why Should I Go to her "re-dedication/baptism/whatever" when she wouldn't return the favor?

Why should I put up with what will probably turn out to be a bunch of hippocrits for over 2 hours and make non commital noises when they tell me I should come back, and have to bite my tounge to contain anything I might say that could potentally get me lectured at and prayed for? Not that I resent being prayed for, you understand, but when it'd be done in the manner and for the reason it potentially might, my first instinct is to let the apathetic, sarcastic, rather derisive Me Loose to have Fun. I don't suffer fools lightly, and the folks at Mom's church, well, let's just say I'm close to believe they'll all fall into that catagory, without meeting them.

Not that they aren't perfectly nice people, however, from what I've heard Mom and sis say are the discussions being held at church and the sermons being given, they aren't open minded, and are the type so wrapped up in the 'Rightness' of their own faith and that they are the ONLY right faith, they have no tolerance or atceptance. They'll pray you and try to save you to death. Sorry, Been there, done that, Ain't going there again unless I can enjoy it, and the way I enjoy it would be quite rude, and I might regret it later. Well, probably not, but I'd regret not being 'lady-like'. I always regret not being lady like in situations like that. When it's a tough spot, argument or disagreement wise with someone outside my family, and I don't keep my cool and stay on my best behavior. I've been programmed too well.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to go or not, am heavily leaning towards the not, though won't that make me as bad as my sister? Why should I even care, really? I'm afraid of being like her, but I am supportive of her, or at least I don't shoot down most of her dumb ideas and thoughts. I dunno what to do or think. I don't want to go, I really don't.

But I do miss one thing about church. Singing. It was something I was good at, and Still enjoy. Raising my voice in song to praise and worship a Good, Kind, Loving, and Just God. I miss that. Too bad that the Good, Kind, Loving, and Just God I believe in doesn't match up with the ones of other religions, especially my familys. Theirs and their churches likes to send people to hell for reasons that I don't think Mine would. Same God, really, they just put theirs in a box that supports their narrowmindedness, and allows for them to keep their biases without thinking but while still being able to pull off the 'we're really good' bit by saying that they still Love the people, but they're sinners and want them saved. Don't accept, just change, and condemn, and etc. Sorry, anyhow, Can't do this anymore. Don't wanna go. Not gonna go. End of Story. Maybe. I'm still not sure. I went to a friends baptism the other year to show that I loved and supported her, and was happy that she'd found a faith and such. But can I do the same for my sister, who's beliefs and motives I am suspicious about? Should I do it, when the comfort factor is so low? I dunno, I'm confused, advice would be appreciated.