10.14.2004

Poem

My soul is at my own discretion,
wether it be tarnished or clean
the thoughts with which I ramble,
have no necessity for purity or stain,
only that they be true,
and truth can be either.
Darkness and light engulf me
shadow is but the darkside of flame,
I am more than I seem,
More than even I know,
and the darkness in me seeks the light,
just as much as the light in me shuns darkness,
while craving it to quench it's thurst.

Brutality is like fragilness,
and in it's own is fragile,
and either way I'm breaking,
while trying to seal my own cracks.
My soul is at my own discreation,
but wether that discreation be wise,
wether it be knowldegable and seeking in safety,
I know not,
and am not certain I care.

So I changed it

My old blog layout for this one, which I loved dearly since Jennifer helped me straighten out the code for it, was just that. Old. It hadn't changed since I got it, and it needed to. I needed it to, to reflect the changing way I want to use this, which is as more of an artistic forum for my thoughts as well as a dumping ground for my angst. Blame it on the AiW quiz on my other blog, but really, I needed the other side of the coin, and the old way wasn't it. I'm hoping this is. I feel the blue offers a dynamic contrast to the pink and black on my other blog, and I have every intention of editing this some so it more adequately represents its purpose. However, it might take me a while, as I hate the way this code is done (Oh, for the days of straigh out HTML.) I managed to cut and paste the code for the tagboard and links from the old lay out, and took a wild guess on where to dump it, and happened to guess correctly. Huzzah for me.

The Looking Glass is for the things that aren't as acceptable, but aren't necessarily totally banned from being seen, just shouldn't be upfront (the nearly or totally banned stuff goes on my LJ, lol.) Anyhow, enough for now.

Me.

10.05.2004

Songs to deal with Troubles

Saw one of my ex's today. I need this to deal with it

Artist: Idina Menzel Lyrics
Song: I'm Not That Girl Lyrics
from the musical "Wicked"

ELPHABA
Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl:


Janis Ian
"At Seventeen"
I leaned the truth at seventeen
that love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
who married young and then retired.

The valentines I never knew,
the Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful.
At seventeen
I learned the truth.

And those of us with ravaged faces,
lacking in the social graces,
Desperatly remained at home,
inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, "Come dance with me,"
and murmured vague obscenities.
It isn't all it seems at seventeen.

A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs
whose name I never could pronounce
Said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve;
they only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
marries into what she needs.
A guarantee of company and haven for the elderly."

Remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain.
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity.
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
at seventeen.


To those of us who know the pain
of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away;
the world was much younger than today
And dreams were all they gave away for free
to ugly duckling girls like me.

We all play the game and when we dare
to cheat ourselves at solitaire.
Inventing lovers on the phone,
repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, "Come dance with me,"
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly duckling girls like me
at seventeen.


8.31.2004

Sometimes they Haunt you for No Reason, and you Wonder Why...

Yes, so, thoughts of my ex's, ALL my ex's, have been haunting me lately. Wondering why, and how, what I did wrong, Why it went wrong, and when I'll meet someone that we're both what the other is looking for. I've got lots of time. I'm only 19. But still. Maybe it's the music I've been listening to. Anyway, I present you with Song Lyrics.

Avril Lavigne: So Much for My Happy Ending

So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh


It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh


oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
oh oh, oh oh, oh...


Savage Garden: The Lover After Me

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny
I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

8.02.2004

Things I ought to know

there is one Obvious person whom this does not apply to, she knows who she is as this is her lap top I'm using while she's asleep.

I really ought to know by now:
Not to count on anyone
To never make plans based of what anyone else says they'll do
I really ought to know
That what I'd do for most anyone
Especially those special anyones
does not necessicarily hold true
that they will do for me
I ought to know by now
Cicumstances will interfere
that I am not quite dear enough
to be placed above close second
or even distant second,
when I place at all.
I really ought to know
better than to be hurt when it turns out
there's no one I can count on
and that I'm not important enough
to have anyone willing to go out of their way
so they can help me out.
I ought to know better
than to just close myself down
and I ought to know better
than to be upset
and I ought to know better
than to care
and I ought to know better
than to even think about it
Because I don't matter enough,
for it to matter at all

this is how I'm feeling right now, not necessisarily all the time, but right now or often enough. and obviously I'm not brave enough, to stick this where they'll see it. Or am I? It's not totally accurate, I mean, Nikki did a lot to help me out.

7.26.2004

New notebook 7/22 through 7/25

Note: I started writing in notebooks since I couldn't get online to do my blog.

No clue what to do /w it. Bought it because it's cute. Happy Bunny saying "Cute but Psycho. Things Even Out" Goodness, I have bad handwriting.

Sitting in Ruby Tuesdays parking lot, waiting on Dustin, wont' even get into the internal dialouge situation brings up.

Am queen of daydreaming up bad situations, he didnt' seem like he wanted to see me, but is doing so as not to upset me. Decided I won't care. V. Perturbed. Must learn/Fake being confident. I'm not happy like I was when I frist attened college. want more than writing GD papers. HATE Papers.

Suddenly realized I am writing like  Cassie Clair. How strange of me. Was goign to write backwards or with left hand, but am writing at an odd angle.

When did I quit being deep and start acting my age? When I started having friends outside of school?

Should I fake being happy? Not certain.

What does it meant to think? Really, when you don't use logical process, what is thought? A coelecsancse of observations, emotional and reality enduced, examined w/ commentary and decisions made? I prefer the thoughts that make my mind feel full of air, oben, boundriless. Is that a word? Open Midned.  Going to read.

(Later)

I got dumped. Isn't that lovely? Here's a catalouge of what parts of me are thinking

"I wasn't pretty enough"
He met some girl at Ruby Tuesdays that he want's to go after, thats why he broke up with me?
Why am I a loser?
Why do I pick losers?
This is shaded of Brian Rowe all over again
It's not like I loved him even a little, I liked him but not loved, so why does it hurt so much?
You said you never had a bad break up with a girlfriend, you were always frinedns afterwards. Is this the same line you used on them, did I just get played?
Did someone make comments about your fat ugly girlfiriend and that's why I'm being put through this?
I don't deserve this.
This hurts.
Why?
 I should go out and get drunk
f I hadn't commented on our not being good at the qwhole conversation thing he wouldnt' have dumped me
This is my fault
This is his fault.
Justin will be happy
I don't deserve this
I'm a stupid bitch
I want to die.
I should buiy you that trench cote at good will that you mentionted and tell you to conssider it payment for services rendered.
that's mean of me, God, I'm such a pathetic bitch.
You never really liked me.
I want to cry.
It's not like I looked at him as Mr. Right or someone I might wind up w/ forever, so why am I so upset?
I hate this
I want to say some of these things to him, but I'll regret it if I do.
This is all my fault.
I wasn't good enough
I am pathetic
I hate myself
He's probably off somewhere laughing his ass off at me.
I don't take these things well.
This isn't worth self distruciting over, but it's a good excuse.
I want to sleep.
Apparently, there were more to my insecurities than my being psycho and scared.
I can't believe I went through this much effort to look good for you, and this happens.

Part of the problem is that if a guys hows interest and we make out, I feel like it's unfair to do that, like being a tease and not make sure they...
that's where I screwed up. Litereally. Dusitni says he feels like a whore, jumping from relationship to relationship. he syas he treated me badly and that I deserve better, but that's what I am used to. He admitted to being distant and appologizedbut part of me feels like asking, "Did you play me?" I also feel like saying, "Here's what went wrong, we started out badly, let's start again. We had me, who thought I owed a guy I liked sex if  made out with ihim, and that it'd be unfair not to, to let them cool down naturally. And you, who are just as bad and can't say no.

I don't know weather to have a sense of humor or be bitter tomorrow. If I even see him. I think if he played me I'd be hurt and angry, but if he threw me over for someone else I'll be exceedingly hurt, no "just" about it.

Thought:
"this reinforceds the unfair feeling/belief that males can not be trusted, counted on, that they'll always leave. People always leave, especiallly males. Like I said, not fair, but at least I realize it. It IS how I feel."

 
Two days later
and I'm still sad. Not crazy, but sad. and it WAS shades of Rowe all over again. From the "It's not you, it's me" to "I don't want to drag y ou thorugh this" (with Rowe it was, "I don't want to drag you through my shit", but still) to the whole, (paraphrasing here, because by this point in getting dumped I wasn't tracking well) "I'll have hope (that we'll get backtogether) if you will"

I know he can't be aware of how like things I've heard before it sounds. Shoudl go to Ruby Tuesdays w/ Robbie for desert. it could be ammusing. Really, this would be such a nice break up if not for me. I told him some fo the not nice thoughts I was having, and I think I hurt his feelings. He's such a sweetheart sometimes, the damn republican self made bastard. See, it really would be nice if not for me.

I wish I knew why this happened.

Sun 7/25

Honestly, what's the point? I ought to just slit my throat and be done with it. I'm so tired of being bitched at. Apparently, I'm not the good child. Shanna is. So where does that leave me?

I don't come home early, I do stay out late, and up late. But it's not like I'm partying or sleeping around or smoking or doing drugs. I'm playing video games and hanging out for gods sake.

I don't go to church because I havne' found one I like and agree with.

I wish Mom could just accept me for who I am. I'm reminded of being little, and her introducing us or telling someone about us. Someone'd ask after Daddy,a nd she'd say how his health was, or that he was still in the hospital in Columbia, then introduce Victoria, her "smart child" and Sam, "her trouble maker, but he had a good heart" and then Shanna, her "Gift from God" who made things easier on her, then me, "her youngest girl, Emily" and then Brandon, her "special child," whom God sent to teach her. I was solely denoted by where I popped up in the line up. She's got two boy and two girls without me, what's she need me for? Two to stay and two to go, a good girl and a bad girl, a good boy and a bad boy, she doesn't need me. No one does (cept Jennifer, and she's a good friend, but that's different). I really feel like crying. I just want to curl up and poof, disappeer, stop exsisting.  Cry.

Yep, I probably need some more therapy.

How I feel Now:

Tired, sad, worn out, unloved, alone, confused. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm menstrul. Who knows. I want to curl up and cry, but don't have a safe place. Why is it I never have a safe place? Am at Nikki's, John and she are in and out of this room, Dustin's in the green room watching some anime or another.
I'm feeling rather sad right now, no paticular reason. Should be happy, I get to see Jennifer this coming weekend. Actually, hence the font, I'm feeling small. Insignifigant, Unloved, it's really silly. Yeah, I got dumped, but that's not a big deal.

6.24.2004

Well, I've done it again

I've gotten myself into a relationship. And I'll probably wind up hurt. He seems like a great guy, and Saturday, when we first met (I'll count that, since I'd known him in passing in the past, but we'd never really spoken) we had great conversation and got along really well. Then, Monday night (I finally worked out the time frame in my head again) all we did was basically make out. The same for Yesterday, and today, well, he paid me some attention, and he wasn't feeling well, but I feel like I was just there, not anything new and fascinating, like I feel it should be when you first start going out. He doesn't seem very interested in getting to know me. And that worries me. Yes, the making out was great, and that's fine, I don't mind that, but it'd be nice to Matter to someone, you know? And I worry that I won't matter, that he only likes me because I'm the first girl he's met since he got back to the Carolina's who was interested. He's good looking, he could do better than me in the looks department. We have things in common, we believe in the same political goals, and just differ on how to accomplish them (less government interferenece in lives of citizens, civil liberties, I go at it from a Liberal (yes, as in Liberal Party) stand point, he goes at if as a Conservative Republican). We like the same weapons, have some similar interests and reading lists. Similar libidos, that's for sure.

*Sigh* I just need to hang tight and see how things develope. I'm wanting too much, too quick, and am being typical uncertain Me. Perhaps I should put on the confident me act, the one that was so natural on Saturday. Why, since then, have I been so uncertain? Who knows...

4.30.2004

The rest of Today

So, had to go to chester earlier to do errands, and decided while I was there to try to go see my grandmother. This is My Mom's Mom, my only living biological grandparent, who gave Mom over to her grandparents to be raised and never had much to do w/ her. When my Aunt Wanda died, she asked that my Mom and Jackie mend their problems. We even went to christmas dinner at her house one year. But that was it, and I felt like going up to her and saying, "Hi, I'm your granddaughter. I don't know why you didn't want anything to do with us, with me, but here I am asking, and if you want to have a relationship, here's your chance. I'll still be around later if you decide then, but I needed to try for my own concious so that I know I made an effort." The trouble is, I know she lived next door to where aunt Wanda, (who died when I was 6) lived, but I didn't know the name of the road. I thought I knew where it was, but I couldn't find it. Drove around for almost an hour, couldn't find the road or her house. I don't know her husbands last name (first I think is Otis or Amos) to look it up in the phone book, and the only other person who knows is my Mom and I'm Not going to upset her with asking that. So I cried, because what kind of retard doesn't even know her own grandmothers last name or where she lives? I know it's not my fault, but that's how I felt.

After that, I drove out to the cemetary, to where my Daddy is buried. Now, my dad wasn't the best man, but he was the only father I got, and I really miss having a dad. When he died, I was 10, he'd been sick or drunk or both all my life, he was 60 when I was born, turned 61 five days later. So I never had much of a relationship with him. Still, he was the only father I got, and I miss having a dad. I talked to him for a bit, sat next to his grave and cried, let him know what all's going on in our lives. I picked some of the clover blossoms, least I guess that's what they are, and wove a bracelet from them and the stems. Just silly little thing I didn't realize I was doing. I don't know if anyone really caught him up on everything that's happened since he died. I mean, it's stupid, I know he knows if there's anyway of his knowing, but telling, I dunno, it just felt like the thing to do. I guess every girl wants a daddy who loves her and is proud of her, and I keep asking myself, if he was alive, would he be proud, would he even care? Or would he just still be a drunken bitter old man? What if he'd been younger when I was born, would that have made a difference, would he have been the sort of Daddy to spend time with me, would he have cared? Would he have loved me, I mean, I know he loved me in his way, but, I don't know. I'll re-iterate it one last time, then I'll let it drop. I miss having a Daddy. Maybe not my Dad, but A Dad.

Last on this note, but not least, the stuff for Uncle Jack's estate came in the mail. In it is my sister Tori's address, under her married name. I'm tempted to write her and say, "Hey, don't know if it was just the family as a whole or Mom or what, that you wanted to get away from, I was 13, I don't know, but I'd appreciate it if you'd clear that up. Here's what's going on, don't know if you care.if you want to, write me, I'd like to get to know you. I miss having a sister, even if I've got Shanna Faye, it still sucks to have lost one." Don't know if I should, but hell, She just Disappeared from my life, I deserve to know why and have some closure.

Tremendous thanks to my friends, Jennifer, Justin, and Leeta, for being there for me. Jennifer, you're the best friend a person could have, you don't know how grateful I am for you and all you do for me, ditto for Justin, you're a wonderful guy and you always help me out. I love you Both. Leeta, *Hugs* I don't know what I'd do if I didn't know that there would good people like you and I was blest enough to have you for a friend.

Counseling suck

Counseling. Meh, I rambled for a 50 minute hour, feel more depressed than before. Don't know what that women thinks about me, I'm just, bah. I want to go to sleep, but have to do errands for Mom. *Hugs* and love to all. I just want to sleep.

4.28.2004

On the way Home

Riding home from the petrol station, I realized I'm sick of being the one to reach out. This goes to a certain set of friends, whom when ever I get depressed I realize I'm ALWAYS the one to reach out to. I'm SICK of it. Here's a list of who reaches out to me


  • Jennifer
  • Justin
  • Leeta
  • *rechecks her Buddy List*
  • Tim, occasionally
  • Joana and I stay in touch, sort of
  • Nikki, though we're not close
  • Yep, that's it, all the friends who keep in touch really well. Folks like Tema and Hope keep in touch thru blog, but a.) I'm not as close to them as a LOT of other people, and b.) blogging isn't the same as other ways.

    Now, they get an excuse, they're really busy, and while I consider them friends, we're not like really close friends. But for the folks I'm close to (real life folks, not really anyone online) that don't keep in touch, YES, they're busy, but damn it, I stay pretty busy too, and I dont' want to make the effort, and there are times when I'm like, "I ought to just stop trying" (which you can see by how I write this every few months. I shouldn't write anymore of this, it depresses me more.

    Stream of Concious

    I hate breathing I hate being I hate thinking that there's nothing left to live for, when I know somewhere inside that there is, but all I've got is life, full of trouble full of strife and all I know is I don't wanna be alone. I'm so tired of pretending that I'm normal and of sending little messages to myself and all of you, that I'm okay, and especially I'm sick of all this Mother fucking shit and especially I'm tired of pretending I don't want to be through with this pretending and this life.
    Heh, so, haven't been here for a while. As everyone knows, kurt and mine's acquaintance was short lived. I've been depressed and took it out on my other blog. Poor thing. Anyhow, I've got shit I want to get out of the way, so I'm posting a few songs here.

    I hated you somedays,
    Was so confused because
    you threw our love away
    Tore up my world,
    Now I'm glad you didn't stay,
    Was so naive back then,
    All alone and I was scared,
    Believing noone cared
    So I was

    Chorus:
    Hating you while I love you so,
    Wasting time, not letting go,
    I don't know,
    how I got through
    got over you while I was hurting,
    while I missed you,
    I don't know.


    Somedays I wanted to Yell
    wanted to hurt you
    wanted to damn you to hell,
    and you deserved it,
    For all the nights I cried your name,
    And I know that was Lame,
    But I was crazy
    My heart was breaking,
    My soul was shaking
    And I was

    Chorus


    I thought if I'd just wait,
    you'd come back to me,
    Didn't even know it
    was allready too late,
    That you'd moved on
    before we were through
    So I sat Wasting my time
    Worrying
    You'd figure yourself out,
    Not want me, and now

    Even though now Its over,
    And I've given up on you and me,
    Every Day I keep growing,
    and Knowing that I'll find what I need,
    In love, now that I'm done,

    Chorus:

    Yeah, I posted a different version of this a few months back, it's crap, but Jennifer was kind enough to review it. Meanwhile:

    I gave my heart and all I got,
    were pieces mailed back in a box marked
    "Return to sender, too much postage due"
    you were everything to me,
    And I wasn't shit to you.
    And for a while I was angry,
    For a while I was upset,
    The hurt overwhelmed me,
    I couldn't believe I'd let,
    it happen to me, but then again,

    I settled for crumbs from the begining,
    and You know that's the truth,
    I took the crumbs you kept tossing,
    because they're all I got from you,

    If I had pride I lost it,
    when you came into my heart,
    the heart that's now in a broken little box,
    the peices torn apart

    And taped onto the box,
    that holds the pieces,
    is a note,
    a tattered slip of paper that
    and it reads,

    "Sorry to do this to you,
    And I swear it's no one's fault,
    And if I could I'd be with you,
    But Now as things stand,
    I never want to see you again"

    Do you know it did to me,
    To see how you said?
    Do you know what it meant,
    How it's now stuck in my head,
    since we're through,
    I can say,
    Yes I loved you,
    And I thought that you loved me,
    I thought I needed you,
    And I just cant believe,
    that though we're through,
    I'm a Fool
    I'll still take crumbs from you.

    That's more post break up angst, god, I'm sick of all this Shit.

    Sitting alone,
    watching all the world pass me by,
    try to join in for a while,
    Watching as my Friends
    Wander off to other ends
    and leave me all alone
    so I'm sitting here at home cause

    No body gives a shit about me,
    It's all part of the stupid
    selfish mentality
    No one gives a shit about me
    might as well be on a shelf
    sitting alone all by myself.

    Then I try,
    To treat them like I should
    but I cry,
    cause they've never understood
    that being friends's a two way road
    sort of an unspoken code.
    I follow but still~

    I'm utterly pathetic, maybe not, I don't care, I just wish I'd quit breathing cause the novelty's worn off. I don't mean it, least not right now. God, Friday, Hurry up and get here. Had a knife earlier, not smart, not smart, hurry up Friday, please please Please

    1.17.2004

    So, I went out to dinner last night with a really nice guy (Kurt) and we had a nice time. My mother doesn't know this though, so Shhhh!It's the first time I've ever lied about where I was going, I told her I was going out with Xao. I really drove over to Gaffney, about 100 miles away or so. It was a nice evening, we ate at Cracker Barrel, talked there, played checkers, then talked in the car for a while after they started closing the restaurant. Kurt is a very... serious and logical person, which is interesting. He's really nice and seems sweet, and we're decided that it'd be nice to go out again and see how things go. We were both a bit nervous, me moreso than him I believe. We discussed politics, religion, philosophy, sociology, about college, etc. It was a very normal "Getting to Know you" bit, and Like I said, we're willing to try it again.

    The problem is, Kurt's a bit... dry. Humor wise. He's EXCEEDINGLY logical, and sorry, but even Spock showed a little emotion. Oh, he was really polite, the typical first date compliments on how nice I looked, but here's the problem. I miss Brian, or at least how things were with us. Brian and I had so much FUN, you know? We'd Goof off about the Stupidest shit, have totally messed up conversations about absolutely nothing that had us falling out of our chairs in the midst of serious stuff. I don't know if Kurt's capable of that. I'm willing to give it a shot, I mean, maybe he was just tense.

    Also, I'm not sure I want someone who merely thinks I'm 'Pretty' and 'a nice who thought I was 'gorgeous', 'sexy' and 'wonderful'. Yeah, Kurt and I haven't known each other long enough for those sort of compliments to be approps, but I think that's gonna be one of my rules in dating. A guy HAS to believe that I'm the best thing since sliced bread to measure up, and at some point (a month, 6 weeks, I dunno) he's gotta make it known. I'm used to being adored I guess (Brian spoiled me, despite how messed up our relationship was, he did) and knowing that there's still a guy out there who absolutely adores me, no matter if in other areas we don't match up, makes me wonder if I should or want to deal with someone who doesn't. I know I'm being nuts. I'm still gonna go out with Kurt, but what if I bore him or he bores me? I don't want to hurt him, I mean, when talking we discussed past relationships, and he's about like me (had one that meant a lot to him and had it break apart), and he reallyis a nice guy. It's not like I'm uninterested, but it's not like I'm totally otherwise either, ya know? I guess I'll just wait and see, but what will I do if we don't have any fun?

    Another mindor concern, he's only ever been in one serious relationship, (like me), and though his lasted a LOT longer, it never got very serious in the intimacy department, ie, he didn't go as far w/ his ex as I went w/ mine. He's a good kisser, but there's room for improvement, not to mention, God knows what he does and doesn't know. He's 23, I'm 18, so, it's a bit reversed, though he really is a sweet and nice guy. Not bad looking either. Just I'm not sure how to deal with him not knowing as much as I do or how to get him to kiss a bit better, (I won't go into detail, it might offend Jennifer). Plus, he officially graduates (for the last time, he's actually graduating twice, once for each of his degrees) in August, then going off to law school god knows where, so that could put a natural experation date on things. What if things work out and then he has to go away? Yeah, I know I'm worrying too much, borrowing trouble, but getting it out has helped, and God knows I can't think for myself. *Hugs* and love to all who are putting up w/ me,

    1.16.2004

    Pardon the whining

    Prepare for melodramatic whining. Waah. It'd be nice if One day, one WHOLE ENTIRE DAY, passed without my family bitching at me, fussing at me, etc. It'd be nice if the fact that I'm a good kid, get good grades, work hard, and generally don't cause trouble, HELL, don't even discuss religion and politics or anything else that would cause them to get mad at me, with them anymore, that I don't even SEE them much anymore, had some influence on the way that I get treated. At least this time I brought it on myself. You see, I took 5 dollars from their stupid trip piggy bank the other day so I'd have Gas to get to school and work. I would have had money for gas, but I loaned my last 14 dollars to my sister the day before she Exploded the engine in her car so She could get gas. I get paid tomorrow, so I was planning to put it back and hopefully not get bitched out about it since no one would notice. Instead, they noticed, (or rather shanna did) and I was treated to a 40 minute lecture on how worthless and evil and what a bitch, cunt, tramp etc, I am. I could have dealt with it, I really could have, cept she pulled the whole "And go whine about it" bit.

    You see, I spent most of my life, up until I was like 15 or 16, in complete isolation about whatever was going on in my life. I wasn't allowed to talk about how I felt when someone was mean to me, or something happened, when I was falling apart inside. It was like emotional lock down. And then one day a friend let me, made me really, talk about how I was feeling, instead of me keeping it bottled up inside so that I wanted to cry and see if maybe the next time pills would do the job, or I'd get up the guts to slit my wrists or throat.

    I was the Calm one, the "strong Christian Influence" so I wasn't supposed to be suicidal or anything. Makes me wonder now weather I'm supposed to be, Period. God, I'm pathetic, but do you know what gets to me? Half the time, I don't even share when I'm really Really Upset. Oh, I grump a lot, it's sort of making up for lost time, but I don't believe I bitch all the time.

    The thing is, Shanna TRIES to make me feel guilty for feeling bad and being hurt when she puts me down, and for wanting to turn to someone for comfort instead of just suffering. Scuse me, but that's fairly sick. I'm to the point that I am seriously wanting to seek therapy, just so I don't emplode or overload the folks that I can turn to when I'm upset, (Jennifer and Brian). I would turn to the Greer and Atlanta bunch, but things are too chaotic over there. But God, my life would be misery if I tried, they'd make it miserable. And though turning to my belief that no matter what, eveything will be allright in the end doesn't help me much now. Justin, he doesn't understand at all. He just CAN'T understand. I just wanna curl up and not exsist. That's all for now.

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